Dear mundane world:

I am your savior. My red hair burns away your sins. My blue eyes melt away any attempts of calamity by world terrorists. My smile depletes all plans of world doom. My voice is the reason you feel demur. My hands keep peace with the world. Yet I never miss breakfast.

I am faster than light, but then again I am the Light. Before darkness, I was, and again darkness did not comprehend me. My eyes are as flames of fire and nothing hides from me. Yet I still sleep with the light on.

I am the "I am". Smarter than Einstein. More creative than Van Gogh. Taller than Yao Ming. Even richer than Bill Gates, then again you're rich if you know me. My face is also able to change colors to a bright crimson red, when I am embarrassed or publicly speaking.

My mind parted the red sea. In my spare time I took down Goliath with my biology textbook. I built the Ark in less than 10 hours, filling it in only 5. Astonishingly this morning I was able to drop my blackberry in the snow.

My presence heals the wounded and makes the blind see. I can feed the whole continent of Africa with a basket of bread and a tin of tuna. I haven't just walked on water, I ran across the pacific, not even getting my socks wet. And if you drink of me you will never be thirsty.

One of my lesser accomplishments was creating the universe in 5 days. I rose from the dead after taking a  short nap, just in time to catch an episode of Glee.


I didn't just write the Bible, I am the Bible.


Yet I have never been blessed with the opportunity of attending college.